Stuck @ Insomnia

May 1, 2013 - 2:41 A.M.

I haven't had a good night's sleep for weeks now.

It scares me already. I mean, this only happens during exams, and when I'm thinking about some things.

I'm pretty sure that nothing's bothering me. If there was, I'd probably know that right?

Or maybe there is…

It's just, 'it' doesn't matter anymore. Well, for one thing, seeing photos of the past brings back memories. Memories that should be ridden of – but keeps on kicking back in every time you have a free time. It's ridiculous, I know. It's crazy because I openly tell people that I'm fine, that I've forgotten.

And we all know I haven't. And it never was okay.

We obviously have some unresolved issues.

Part of me says it's okay because it's been a long time, but my mind says that I will totally freak out if I see them again.

I know seeing them again is inevitable, because there's that fact that clearly states that one of my best buds, is their kin. And one day, eventually, some crazy gathering would bring us all together. Which obviously will be awkward, for everyone. Especially for me. Actually it will hurt me. But I don't see the point, because I've been hurting for a long time and no one seems to find the decency to ask how I'm holding up. That's why I'm practically talking to my computer. 'Cause no one would.

I also know what you're thinking. No, I'm not a psychic. I just know by experience that you people will call me a hypocrite. And yes I'm quite aware of that, because I'd rather have friends – people who do care, to ask me how I feel (And yes I lie to them and tell them the routine "I'm okay, really" phrase that we are oh so familiar with) than people who don't give a crap even if I admittedly confess to them my problem, hoping to find comfort in their presence.

Actually, the thing about me lying that I'm okay is better, because I find comfort in knowing the fact that they (friends) care enough to notice that I'm not myself at that time (without telling them). And just by knowing that, it eases the pressure, the stress, the burden of bearing a problem or crisis.

Cause frankly, if you share these things to the "Tupperware friends" of yours, (if you know what I mean), you'll feel the yoke getting heavier. That and the arrows pointing at their smirks, saying that they will use that dirt on you, like, really soon. =_=

And as I got off topic, I originally wanted to say that ME meeting THEM is a bad idea and I've been avoiding contact for over a year now. Sounds good right? I've recently been planning on how to escape such things in case one does occur anytime in the year since I'll be studying at his hometown and buddy said that "they" have been planning to come visit their relatives. And buddy will come see me so, bummer, I need an alibi if I go AWOL.

As I type this post, I realized that I should revise its title because it has some content that doesn't fit with what I really had in mind. These are two posts forced into one. I'm just lazy. Not really relevant.

I really do have a problem. And I realized it while making this post, just now. This is the reason why I haven't slept well in weeks, because it was this exact month – May, last year, when I realized that it was really over.

Somehow, my heart remembered the pain and the sleepless nights, but my mind didn't, until now. It's like my heart was mourning, and I didn't even recognize it.

Have I gone cold?

Usually, I remember dates, the time of day, the smell of surroundings especially when that day brought me pain. But this, I didn't.

Is this recovery? I sure do hope so!

So, am I okay?

Nope, maybe someday I might be.

But right now, I'm still STUCK at INSOMNIA.

Signing off @ 3:45 A.M.